The New Testament contains two Epistles by St. Peter. A third one was recently discovered, but some are doubting its authenticity. It appears to have been written during Jesus active ministry ...
Peter, Apostle of Jesus Christ, to the Other Eleven and to Various Disciples.
May God bless you all. I give thanks always and everywhere for the hard work you are doing in spreading what Jesus is calling the "gospel message".
Which, of course, needs some refining.
I took Jesus aside the other day for an "ad hoc meeting" and tried to talk some sense into him. He keeps insisting on this whole "cross" thing and claiming that he's going to suffer. "God forbid!" I told him. After all, we can't have that - it would be bad for the organization and we have to protect our branding.
Some of you have been asking how he responded to me. Not well, really. "Get thee behind me, Satan!" was a bit of an over-reaction, as far as I'm concerned. He keeps saying that's the "hour" for which he was sent. Totally beyond me.
Meanwhile, we're forming a Doctrine Committee to deal with things. Oh, and there's a Fish Fry on Friday next week, though we clearly don't have enough at this point to feed the multitude. The Fall Festival is taking volunteers and Scrip is available in the Gathering Area.
But the reason I'm writing is to get you to consider wisely how to invest your time, treasure and talents. Especially your treasure. Judas, our CFO, says that donations are down considerably and so I ask you to prayerfully yadda-yadda ... you know the score. By the way, I am shocked that so many of you are giving yourselves over to gossip, which is a sin that will send you to hell. Judas' moneybag has not been "leaking into his pockets" as some of you have been suggesting. How dare you question his authority! He is a close and trusted member of this community, and even though we're not yet considered "priests after the order of Melchizedek", once a little bit of clericalism kicks in, we'll slap you silly if you even so much as suggest that things ain't "kosher" with any of the inner circle, as you have been. In short, question us and go to hell. That's my policy.
Oh, and I'm still working on getting Jesus to keep kids and lepers from approaching him, at least when he's preaching and healing. The Public Relations committee has some firm suggestions in that regard. Also, he keeps talking about how great it is to be poor, and that won't fly at the Capernaum Country Club, if you know what I mean. And we've got some big donors from there, so we have to be careful.
Well, that's about it. Don't forget to register for the bus trip up Mt. Tabor next week. There's not many of you going at this point. The sign up sheet is in the Gathering Area. I'll be there because - well, I'll stick by Jesus no matter what. You all know that. Don't you?