Wednesday, December 10, 2014

New Archeological Find - Report on Aaron's Synod!



Moses came down from Mt. Sinai with the Ten Commandments and found something he didn't expect.  His brother Aaron was holding a synod!

In fact, they drafted a document, which I republish in its entirety below.


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MID-TERM REPORT ON THE SYNOD IN THE DESERT

Let's get realistic here.

We've been wandering about for quite some time, and yes, the LORD has been miraculously providing for us and delivered us from Egypt by parting the Red Sea and all of that, but let's get real.  It's time to compromise.

The Canaanites have been sacrificing to their gods and making their children "pass through the fire", and who am I to judge?  What's a little child sacrifice between friends?  It gets the job done!  That's my point!  We should welcome those who sacrifice their own children, and cherish the gifts they bring to us.  If burning your own son or daughter to death keeps the angry gods satisfied, I'm all for it.  Pragmatic, that's what we need to be.

Now, then, about how we should live while we're heading toward the promised land.  I'd like to say a few words about that.  And those few words are this: self-actualize.  Let me explain what I mean.

I mean be yourself.  Do whatever you want to do.  That's your duty!  Your duty is pleasure!  And self-indulgence.  To self-actualize is to self-indulge.  Same thing, really.  Isn't that beautiful?

It's up to each of us to be true to himself, or herself.  That means if you're gay, be gay - be whopping great big gay with lots of anal sex and hundreds or thousands of partners, many of them anonymous.  It's all good.

And divorce?  Well, whatever makes you happy, go for it.  And if the kids get in the way, have them "pass through the fire".  We must be inclusive, so to hell with the kids.  Sure, we're still wandering through the wilderness and practicing polygamy, but if you need to divorce your five wives and marry six or seven others, who are we to judge?  You must be forgiven and integrated into a non-judgmental disintegrated society.  That's the point I'm making.

Now let's take a break from all this and have a group hug.  And I'd like your input.  Yours!!!

My whole point is this, people.  Faith is a wonderful, beautiful thing that's all about feelings.  But when the chips are down, we need to turn to whatever gets the job done, like this molten calf I made.  Sure, faith in the LORD has worked in the past, but what's going to work now?  Moses ain't comin' back, that's for sure.  We'll pray to this calf and make some sacrifices and have a huge sex-magic orgy and kill some children and the next thing you know, we'll be in the promised land and Moses will be far behind us.

Tent-side picnic is next Sabbath at 4:00, there's a sign up sheet in the gathering area.

And now ... some liturgical dance!

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Moses' reaction, I'm afraid, was a bit judgmental ...

And it came to pass, as soon as he came nigh unto the camp, that he saw the calf, and the dancing: and Moses' anger waxed hot, and he cast the tables out of his hands, and brake them beneath the mount. (Ex. 32:19)







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