Saturday, December 29, 2012

A False Concord

So a group called Patriotic Christian Quotes posts this chart on Facebook ...

 
 
And my comment on their Facebook post was this ...

The Scriptures have nothing to do with science, and this chart stretches the point. It is very dangerous for Christians to think that the Bible teaches the truth about physics or biology. It teaches a far deeper truth, and the more we confuse the issue, the harder it is for us to show that Faith and Reason go together. Take the first item on the chart, for example. Isaiah 40:22 in no way asserts that the earth is a sphere. The ancient Hebrews believed the earth was a round disk floating on water, with the sky pitched as a tent about it. They were wrong about geology, but right about God. This chart is well intentioned but very wrong headed.
 
And, naturally, I was more or less excoriated by others commenting after me. 

One lady said,

Science now is proving that what the bible says is true, and always has been. Can I get an Amen?!

... with a number of "amens" following.

***

The easiest way to understand how this all works is to keep this in mind: The Bible does not teach how the heavens go, but how to go to heaven.  Take Is. 40:22, the first instance on the chart, for example ...

He's the one who sits above the disk of the earth, and its inhabitants are like grasshoppers. He's the one who stretches out the heavens like a curtain, and spreads them like a tent to live in.
 
Does the truth of this passage lie in its scientific value?  Is the earth a "disk" - i.e., flat but circular?  Is space a "curtain"?  Do we live under the sky as if the sky were a "tent"?   Certainly these are poetic truths, but not scientific ones. 

Such bizarre literalism leads the fundamentalists to insist upon six 24-hour days of creation, and to claim (as a Lutheran Church Missouri Synod pastor once told me) that the fossil record was "placed on earth by the devil to deceive us."

And such tone deafness serves as a bad witness for Christians, who appear in the eyes of others as Neanderthals.  Indeed, during my atheist days, I thought the Christian Faith was predicated upon a sacrifice of reason, that reason and faith either never met, or when they did they flat out contradicted one another.  Which is exactly the opposite of the truth - Faith and Reason confirm one another, but you'd never know that from the chart above or from those who are pushing a false Concordism between science and scripture.

For what the Concordists don't see is that it's just as wrong-headed for Christians to make claims about scientific matters which the Faith does not touch upon as it is for scientists to pontificate about matters that are beyond their scope - such as metaphysics, meaning, and God.

It would, for instance, be wrong for a scientist peering in a microscope to claim that the germs he sees prove that the sky does not exist.  He's looking in the wrong direction, with the wrong tool - a tool that can tell him much about little things, but nothing about big things. 

In the same way, believing in God will not tell me how much money I have in my wallet.  I have to look and count to find that out.  I could claim that the "1260 days" mentioned in Revelation (Rev. 11:3-13 and elsewhere) means I've got $1260, and that "personal accounting proves the Bible is right!"  But the Bible also mentions "forty days and forty nights", and I know it's less than forty bucks down there.  A lot less.

At any rate, they are different operations of the mind, dealing with different things, different aspects of Reality, and to insist upon the Bible as a kind of proto-textbook on physics and biology is to use a mistaken literalism, which will inevitably (and rightly) alienate non-believers who take reason and logic seriously.


Wednesday, December 26, 2012

What It's Like Dealing with Actors and Actresses


[NOTE - these are actual emails concerning a show the actress in question had agreed to perform on New Year's Eve, five days from today, for actual money.  It's really rather humorous.  This is what I deal with in my business.]

----------------------- Original Message-----------------------
From: NAME OF ACTRESS <[name withheld]@gmail.com>
Cc:
Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2012 09:55:19 -0800
Subject:

Hi

Its [NAME OF ACTRESS]. Just got a message from your wife. Im emailing on my gmail account because you dont seem to be getting emails from my yahoo account. I emailed you back in nov saying i couldnt do the show. Then i got an email from you sending the script and asking if I was still doing the show I wrote you back and said that I had sent you an email back in November saying I couldn't.

Now I have got a call from your wife asking if I was doing the show.

My concern is you aren't getting my email so I'm writing you again to say there are several reasons why I cannot do the show. I hope you find someone.

thanks
NAME OF ACTRESS

[NAME OF ACTRESS]@gmail.com

***

Dear NAME OF ACTRESS,

It is odd that you are the only person telling me that you've sent me emails which we have not received.

If what you say is true, then Upstage Productions needs to get on top of this right away!!!  There may be people emailing us asking for info on our shows - emails that apparently are vanishing into cyber space.  Please re-send (from your current gmail address) - with headers - the emails you sent in November and last week.  I have received nothing from you since the one below that you sent from your Yahoo account ... 






----------------------- Original Message-----------------------



Subject : Re: Your Info
Date : Mon, 5 Nov 2012 12:45:00 -0600
Linked to : NAME OF ACTRESS
From :  NAME OF ACTRESS@yahoo.com
To : kevin@upstageproductions.com   



My address (for payroll) is
[ADDRESS OF ACTRESS]
NAME OF ACTRESS
Sent from Yahoo! Mail on Android








***

 

Since then we've received nothing from you, though oddly we received quite a few things before that from the very Yahoo address you claim is not getting through to us now.

I find this quite alarming, and I really want to get it fixed right away.

Of course, there is the chance that you are simply lying to me and that you never emailed us at all; that now you're simply copping an attitude and acting like it's our fault; and that you're ignoring the odd fact that if indeed you had been emailing me and I had seemingly been ignoring your emails, that the thing any professional actress would have done at that point would have been to pick up the phone and call us. 
 
That is why I look forward to receiving the mysterious missing emails - with headers, which our IT guy will need to see to determine the major technical glitch on our end that is no doubt causing this.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 

And please accept my apologies for not receiving the emails you never sent.

Kevin



Kevin O'Brien

Upstage Productions

314-842-5300 / 1-888-WHO-DN-IT

www.upstageproductions.com





 

Monday, December 17, 2012

A Trio of Triolets

For if you follow your vocation
As priest or husband (it's a toss up),
Up will fly your jubilation -
For if you follow your vocation
You will bend and take your cross up,
Every day, and that's your calling:
For if you follow your vocation
You just may find it dull, appalling.

***

Today I pray my tenth novena,
I love to pray it very slowly
To Rome I'll die in the arena!
Today I pray my tenth novena.
Than thou I have become more holy
I'll show my faith off, here and now!
Today I pray my tenth novena,
And I am holier than thou.

***

Make every little thing be just
Exactly right and not askew
I don't like messes, so I must
Make every little thing be just
The way I want it; that means you.
Lord, he's not perfect, nor is she.
Make every little thing be just,
But just make sure it just ain't me


The Biggest Threat

The single biggest threat to "serious Christians" or "Devout Catholics" is this.

We really think our "walk with Christ" makes us better than all those other folk who are not walking with Christ, but who are simply wandering about and bumping into things.

Take for example, two women.

One is very religious and makes frequent devotions and is certain that she is never in the wrong - because, well for one thing she's so darned and deliberately Good. 

Another has fallen from the faith - and from other things - promiscuous, a bit of a mess on the inside, has been around the block once or twice and is probably even now somewhere in the alley trying to find her way home.

You'll find when the Trial comes, that the first can not be trusted.  But the second will die for you. 

And, really, for Him.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Juggling Midgets

[The following first appeared in my murder mystery newsletter in October of 2000.  It is entirely true.]

Here at Upstage Productions, we often get unusual calls for unusual entertainment.  Most of the time, we respond with as much professionalism as we can muster, in the hopes of closing the sale. 
 
However, when a group of frat boys want a juggling midget, all bets are off. 

The following is an actual transcript (from memory) of a conversation I had recently with a young eager Washington University student, who had called Upstage Productions, and left a message requesting a juggling midget (I am not making this up) to perform at a Friday night frat party. 
 
Of course we don't offer juggling midgets, but I thought I'd have some fun. 
 
I called the frat boy back, and the conversation went as follows ...

***
 
KEVIN:  (using my midget voice)  Yeah, you lookin’ for a midget?

STUDENT:  Yes we are.

KEVIN:  Well, I’m a midget.  Actually, I’m a little person.  We don’t call ourselves midgets.  But I guess I’m a midget.  Hell, I ain’t no dwarf.  I wish I was a dwarf!  I aspire to be a dwarf.  But I’m a midget.  What do you want?

STUDENT:  We’re having a party on Friday, and we need someone to liven it up.  Do you know any tricks?

KEVIN:  Let’s see.  Do I know any tricks?  I know a couple.  You know that trick where you come up to a baby and you say, “Who’s got your nose?  Where’s your nose?” and you hold your thumb up and say, “There’s your nose?”  You know that trick?

STUDENT:  Yeah.

KEVIN:  Well, I do that one.

STUDENT:  (pause) Well, could you just walk around and serve some drinks?

KEVIN:  I don’t know.  What time is the party?

STUDENT:  It’s a happy hour party.  It starts at four.

KEVIN:  No, I can’t do four.  They come to pick us up on the bus at four.

STUDENT:  Who’s “they”?

KEVIN:  The folks who pick us up from the home.

STUDENT:  The “home”?

KEVIN:  The midget home.  Didn’t you know there was a midget home?  Well, it’s the Little Persons Home, really. 

STUDENT:  Well, if we could get a whole bus load of midgets, that would be great!

KEVIN:  Listen, I’ll have to think about this and get back to you.

(I hang up, deciding I've had enough fun.  But the student calls back later, pushing the issue.)

 ***

KEVIN:  (answering phone, using my own voice) Upstage Productions.

STUDENT:  Yeah, someone from your company called us earlier and said he was a midget.

KEVIN:  Oh, that was our intern, Bruce.  We try to keep him off the phones.  I’m sorry about that.

STUDENT:  Well, he was supposed to let us know if he could entertain at our party.

KEVIN:  Look, he’s not exactly a midget.

STUDENT:  What do you mean?

KEVIN:  He’s 5’ 5”.

STUDENT:  He’s 5’5”???  We’ve got people here who are five-five!

KEVIN:  Then I guess you really don’t need Bruce, then, do you?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Road to Heck

Twice today on Facebook, I've come across commenters who are offended by the words "damn" and "hell". 

My response to those who use such vile and vulgar speech ...

What the hell?  Your damned foolish use of foul language is just the sort of thing to darn your soul to heck.