Juggling Midgets

[The following first appeared in my murder mystery newsletter in October of 2000.  It is entirely true.]

Here at Upstage Productions, we often get unusual calls for unusual entertainment.  Most of the time, we respond with as much professionalism as we can muster, in the hopes of closing the sale. 

 

However, when a group of frat boys want a juggling midget, all bets are off. 

The following is an actual transcript (from memory) of a conversation I had recently with a young eager Washington University student, who had called Upstage Productions, and left a message requesting a juggling midget (I am not making this up) to perform at a Friday night frat party. 

 

Of course we don't offer juggling midgets, but I thought I'd have some fun. 

 

I called the frat boy back, and the conversation went as follows ...

***

 

KEVIN:  (using my midget voice)  Yeah, you lookin’ for a midget?

STUDENT:  Yes we are.

KEVIN:  Well, I’m a midget.  Actually, I’m a little person.  We don’t call ourselves midgets.  But I guess I’m a midget.  Hell, I ain’t no dwarf.  I wish I was a dwarf!  I aspire to be a dwarf.  But I’m a midget.  What do you want?

STUDENT:  We’re having a party on Friday, and we need someone to liven it up.  Do you know any tricks?

KEVIN:  Let’s see.  Do I know any tricks?  I know a couple.  You know that trick where you come up to a baby and you say, “Who’s got your nose?  Where’s your nose?” and you hold your thumb up and say, “There’s your nose?”  You know that trick?

STUDENT:  Yeah.

KEVIN:  Well, I do that one.

STUDENT:  (pause) Well, could you just walk around and serve some drinks?

KEVIN:  I don’t know.  What time is the party?

STUDENT:  It’s a happy hour party.  It starts at four.

KEVIN:  No, I can’t do four.  They come to pick us up on the bus at four.

STUDENT:  Who’s “they”?

KEVIN:  The folks who pick us up from the home.

STUDENT:  The “home”?

KEVIN:  The midget home.  Didn’t you know there was a midget home?  Well, it’s the Little Persons Home, really. 

STUDENT:  Well, if we could get a whole bus load of midgets, that would be great!

KEVIN:  Listen, I’ll have to think about this and get back to you.

(I hang up, deciding I've had enough fun.  But the student calls back later, pushing the issue.)

 ***

KEVIN:  (answering phone, using my own voice) Upstage Productions.

STUDENT:  Yeah, someone from your company called us earlier and said he was a midget.

KEVIN:  Oh, that was our intern, Bruce.  We try to keep him off the phones.  I’m sorry about that.

STUDENT:  Well, he was supposed to let us know if he could entertain at our party.

KEVIN:  Look, he’s not exactly a midget.

STUDENT:  What do you mean?

KEVIN:  He’s 5’ 5”.

STUDENT:  He’s 5’5”???  We’ve got people here who are five-five!

KEVIN:  Then I guess you really don’t need Bruce, then, do you?