Waiting for Godot to Leave

In April we will begin performing my comedy murder mystery Cleaver It to Beaver - which means that I have to write it soon. This also means that I have to research the series on which my mystery will be based, Leave It to Beaver.   Yesterday we watched an episode featuring Gilbert Bates, a neighbor of Beaver's and a sometimes friend / sometimes enemy.  Gilbert is portrayed by Stephen Talbot, whose real-life father Lyle Talbot also appeared on several episodes of the series. "Lyle Talbot!" I thought.  "I worked with Lyle Talbot!" Well, sort of. I held the curtain for him when he'd make his exits and entrances for Camelot! at St. Louis' Westport Playhouse in 1980.  Talbot portrayed the magician Merlin.  He was 78 at the time, and my mother was excited to hear that I was working as a stagehand for a show he was in.  He was, apparently, at one time a kind of matinee idol - at least that's what I gathered from my mother's admiration of him...

I continue to celebrate, in my own quiet way, 25 years of performing murder mystery dinner theater shows . This is from an email I wrote to a former actress in January of 2006 *** Tonight my actress Linda and I had two shows at a winery in Nashville, Illinois.  The winery only seats fifty people, so I talked them into doing two shows - a 5 pm show and an 8 pm show.  I am hiring a new guy and we had him meet us at the winery to see the early show. Well, the early show was magical, just a blast.  The guy was very impressed and really wants to work for me.  "Do they always go this well?" he asked.  "Oh, this is pretty typical," we answered, which is true.  "Do you ever have problems with drunks?" he asked.  "Not that we can't control," we replied - also true. Then he left (between shows) and I turned to Linda and said, "I think we've got this small-venue problem solved.  For wineries that can only seat fifty, we'll jus...

Since I'm currently a judge in a one-act play contest, I don't want to say too much about the plays I'm reading.  But I have seen enough to know how to write a really bad play.  And I'm passing that advice on to you, dear reader! Make sure your script contains NO comedy whatsoever - nothing the least bit funny, or if something almost-funny sneaks in, make it very predictable and stupid. Put a homeless man in it so the audience has someone to feel sorry for. Set the play at Christmas or in a foxhole during a war or in an abortion clinic.  Or better yet, at a makeshift abortion clinic in a foxhole on Christmas Eve. Handle exposition awkwardly.  For example, in the first few lines, have one of the characters say,  "Remember when that meteorite hit our house and you bravely struggled to pull me out and save our four children and the reporter from the liberal paper made fun of you because you were Christian and -" Give someone cancer or writ...

[NOTE - these are actual emails concerning a show the actress in question had agreed to perform on New Year's Eve, five days from today, for actual money.  It's really rather humorous.  This is what I deal with in my business.] ----------------------- Original Message ----------------------- From:  NAME OF ACTRESS  <[name withheld]@gmail.com> To: info@thewordinc.org Cc: Date: Wed, 26 Dec 2012 09:55:19 -0800 Subject: Hi Its [NAME OF ACTRESS]. Just got a message from your wife. Im emailing on my gmail account because you dont seem to be getting emails from my yahoo account. I emailed you back in nov saying i couldnt do the show. Then i got an email from you sending the script and asking if I was still doing the show I wrote you back and said that I had sent you an email back in November saying I couldn't. Now I have got a call from your wife asking if I was doing the show. My concern is you aren't getting my email so I'm writ...

[The following first appeared in my murder mystery newsletter in October of 2000.  It is entirely true.] Here at Upstage Productions , we often get unusual calls for unusual entertainment.   Most of the time, we respond with as much professionalism as we can muster, in the hopes of closing the sale.     However, when a group of frat boys want a juggling midget, all bets are off .   The following is an actual transcript (from memory) of a conversation I had recently with a young eager Washington University student, who had called Upstage Productions, and left a message requesting a juggling midget (I am not making this up ) to perform at a Friday night frat party.     Of course we don't offer juggling midgets, but I thought I'd have some fun.    I called the frat boy back, and the conversation went as follows ... ***   KEVIN:   ( using my midget voice )   Yeah, you lookin’ for a midget? ...